Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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