I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
is wine microwaveable?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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