I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She's the barista slut.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize