I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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