I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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