Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
