i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize