Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
