So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
