Umm I'm too high to move.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
