My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
