I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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