So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
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