Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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