So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize