Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
