I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
