Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Dicks are not precious.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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