I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
