Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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