i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
