The best revenge is premature balding
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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