Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
