I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
COCAINE IS GR8
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