she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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