god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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