I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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