i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
