im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
