He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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