i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
