hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
