so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
