So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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