Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
