Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I got inside last night via doggy door
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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