i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
