I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
