if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize