are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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