Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
