Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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