Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You can't motorboat a personality
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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