jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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