I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
