I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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