i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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