I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
