i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
