I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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