The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
