Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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