She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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