I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
