ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
