Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
