Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize