If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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