just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize